Ahh Life. Ups and Downs! Where does the DOWNS end????

Well its been about 4 months since I've wrote in here. But I've had a terrifying Life. I had a miscarriage November 29th. =*(. It didn't really hit me until after it happened. It was one of the worse things in my life. And till now this very day, there isn't a day I dont sit back and don't think about my child. And A human being who I would love with everything beat of my heart. And someone to make me smile day on and be a great brother or sister for Nathanyel or Alex. I can't write in here and say I'm over it, because I'm not. Theres nothing I can do about it. There is feelings I hide. But I can't run away from all of it. I have to face it everyday of my life from then to where ever my life ends. If I could do anything, I would change it. But sometimes things just doesn't happen like that. And I have to know that I just can't change it, Hell I would change the world in general if I could. I have the 2 most wonderful little boys right now in my life that means more than anything to me. And they keep me strong, everyday Im thankful for them. Because I'm happy to be their mother and I'm very greatful they are mine.
But I guess enough about that, talking about it gets me all depressed, but round 4 I have to be strong for my other Baby thats getting ready for the big world! Yes, again, I am pregnant with number 4! Yes I do count my miscarriage, I was 4 months! Come On! It was MY Child! But yes 3rd child! I'm scared being pregnant this time, I don't want that to ever happen to me again. I went to St. Mary's yesterday to get an ultrasound done to see a heartbeat. I didn't hear one, but there was a flutter! Which the radiolist said that was a Good Sign! So that made me happy. But then again I still have another 6 or 7 weeks for a miscarriage rate to go down a good bit. She said my Uterus was tilted. Which should make it almost impossible to get pregnant! Well. I guess I'm a very fertile human being! And of course, Ive been pregnant twice with in 6months! ;) I hope in pray this is a good one. I'm going to try and be healthy as hell with this one. I'm going to drive myself crazy about this. But I don't need to stress.! And Its very hard not to!
But I guess I'm going to get off here, time for bed. Nathanyel has school in the morning!!!
!!! I LOVE YOU DAVID SCOTT & NATHANYEL XAVIER & ALEXANDER ELIJAH & BABY !!!